It’s perfectly normal to feel blue when certain events and chapters of your life come to an end. Whether it is people coming into and moving out of your life, or events you have long prepared for come to an end, there is going to be a period of time when you feel let down and you ask yourself “what now?” This feeling is especially common at the end of a pageant and when a queen passes on her title to a new person.

The first thing you need to realize is that the feeling of loss is a natural part of the healing and growth process. Don’t try to skip it or devalue it. It’s important for you to take your time and fully go through it. Recognize the emptiness you are feeling and embrace it for a short time. Take the time to reflect on your memories so you feel like you have had closure. Look at photos, hold trinkets, and read old letters. Do whatever it is you are feeling led to do. Here are a couple questions to think about while you are in this reflective period of time:

 

• What was it about the experience that I enjoyed most?
• Whose life did I make a difference in the most?
• What did you like the least about this experience?
• How could you have made more of the situation?
• Where would I spend less of my time and energy on if I could do it again?
• Where would I spend more of my time?
• How can I take what I have learned and continue with it?

 

Using my own personal life as an example, when I felt the pageant “blues”, they usually lasted from one day to a week depending on the level of the pageant I was competing in and how long my preparation time was leading up to it. Certain situations that happened at the pageant would also affect the intensity of my feelings. Controversy and conflict always took more time for me to process than a well run system. That’s why I said up to a week. During this time, I was in complete low maintenance mode- no hair styling, no makeup, no high heels, no working out and I ate everything I wanted.

I just needed that “me” time to decompress and feel bad. Yes, you heard me right. I gave myself permission to feel bad; and if you need someone else’s permission, I give you my permission to feel bad, too. It’s alright to feel sad.

The key is not to stay stuck in the dark. Just like a beautiful garden flower must die in order to produce multiple seeds for new flowers, the beautiful moments of our life must also come to an end so that the “seeds” can be planted and new opportunities present themselves. You won’t know at the time which seeds will grow and which ones will remain dormant. Just believe that every seed serves its purpose and at its perfect time.

You must keep moving forward. Take time to reflect, and then take action. This week, we had to have our dog who was 16 ½ years old put to sleep. I lost my dad to cancer 6 months ago and my dog in the same way - with me holding on to both of them at the end. It has been a week of sadness and reflection; but now it is time to move on. In my life I have learned that the end is never the end. Instead, endings are gateways to new beginnings which are filled with hope, opportunities and promise. I’m sending my deepest blessings to you today and always.

Request my free special report, 10 Insider Secrets to Winning, and receive my free award winning newsletter weekly. Just click here to GET YOUR FREE REPORT.Then fill out your name and email address in the boxes.

INTERVIEW CARD

The ability to answer questions about you, your purpose, current events, and controversial topics in a clear way is an important life skill. The more you practice, the better you will get. This handy interview card is a great way to practice with a partner or to use by yourself.
The Beginning 10 Questions are the staple interview questions everyone must know the answers in an interview. Now preparing for your interview is easy and for a limited time FREE.

Rhonda Shappert is an expert pageant coach, an iPEC Certified Professional Coach, an Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner, and an Associate Certified Coach (ACC) with the International Coach Federation (ICF).

She created Winning Through Pageantry® to partner with pageant contestants and their support people to provide complete pageant preparation, achieve winning results in life through pageantry, and to Succeed From The Inside Out®.

She has over 30 years experience in the pageantry world as a contestant, judge, emcee, staff member, mother of daughters who compete, Mrs. Ohio America 2005, and has held multiple titles at the local, state and national levels.

Rhonda graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelors degree in Musical Theater from The Ohio State University and has performed on stage in 15 countries on the Asian, European and American continents. This mother of three home educates their children and has been married 22 years to her husband Stephen, is the former mayor of her community, and serves on the Board of Trustees for the Ohio Virtual Academy. She and her husband perform original contemporary Christian music.  For more information on Rhonda, visit  www.WinningThroughPageantry.com .

Seconds after the announcement of the top 10, and again at the naming of the court, one question runs through the minds of every contestant BUT the queen, “What could I have done to get better results at this pageant?”

This is a perfectly normal response for a goal oriented person who wants to excel. A self critique can certainly be useful for future events if used in a constructive fashion.

There is one principle that participants of all pageants must accept: Judging is subjective. It is not based on fact but rather on the opinion of the person judging. People have different values, likes, dislikes, biases, and the list goes on. So, you could do everything perfect and it still may not be enough to win the crown because the queen is selected subjectively.

Let’s say you have a panel of five judges. Four of them love you and give you high scores. But for some reason, one judge doesn’t connect with you and scores you very low; it may cost you the crown when the scores are averaged out. This is a reality you need to mentally prepare for.

One person’s opinion DOES NOT determine your value as a person. It’s only their opinion. Because it’s impossible to get into the mind of another person, it’s a waste of your energy to try to figure out why they didn’t like you. Accept the fact that you have no control over another person’s thoughts or actions and move on.

I’ve seen a contestant receive the comment “too polished and rehearsed” from one judge; from another judge on the same panel “needs more work- not professional enough”; and from a third judge “don’t change a thing. Perfect.” I mean, really. Are they listening to and looking at the same person?

That’s opinions for you . Everyone has one and it’s subjective.
Now, let’s talk about some of the possible objective reasons that may have influenced your final placement.

• Interview - You need to continually work on your speaking and communications skills. Every day events happen to you that cause changes in your lives. From year to year, you’re a different person and this should be reflected in your interview skills. What worked for you last year may not work this year. Here are some possible areas of change that you’ll want to be aware of so you can adapt your interview skills.
  • Aging Up a Division - If your age division last year was 7-9 and you were 9, you were one of the most mature girls in your group. This worked in your favor. However, this year you’re 10 and the span is ages 10-12, now you’re at the bottom of your group. The maturity level between a 10 year old and 12 year old can be huge in today’s world. The expectations are higher. With each age bracket change, the substance and quality of the communication skills needs to increase.
  • Changing pageant systems - Each system has a slightly different focus and purpose of the interview. For example, if you’re used to a 40 second interview with each judge, it’s a whole different world interviewing for 5 minutes with a judge, or switching to a panel format.
  • Different type of interview - Panel, one-on-one, on-stage and press style are all different types of interview styles you’ll encounter at a pageant. It’s important to know what type of interview it is and how long it will last. Many contestants have made the mistake of thinking they could just walk into a pageant interview, be themselves and talk normal. After all, how hard can talking be, right? Wrong.

• Walk - There are different walking styles for glitz, natural, and runway style pageants. If a contestant has done nothing but glitz pageants from ages 0-12, that bouncy, side-to-side glitz walk is not going to cut it if she decides to do a natural pageant. Or if you’re used to a natural walking style and enter a pageant where the walk is more fashion forward (more like runway) you’re not going to score as high.

• Personal Styling - Your hair, makeup and clothing all need to be appropriate for your age and the pageant system you’re participating in. I agree, it would be wonderful if we could use the same gown, swimsuit, interview outfit and casual wear outfit for every type of pageant we entered. However, that’s not always the case.

The bottom line is this, judging is totally subjective and outside of your control. One, and only one, contestant will have the title for the year. That means everyone else in the pageant will have to deal with their feelings after the pageant.

The only thing you have control of is your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you can walk away from the pageant knowing you’d presented your very best to the judges, and learned something new about yourself that will better your life, then you’ve won something more important than a crown from the pageant.

Request my free special report, 10 Insider Secrets to Winning, and receive  my free award winning newsletter weekly. Just click here or at the top of this page to GET YOUR FREE REPORT.Then fill out your name and email address in the boxes.

On a personal note, my grandpa’s funeral is today. He was 100 years old. Incredible to think of everything he experienced in the past 100 years- cars, TVs and computers. Give those close to you an extra squeeze and tell them you love them. 

Rhonda Shappert is an expert pageant coach, an iPEC Certified Professional Coach, an Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner, and a member of the International Coach Federation. She created Winning Through Pageantry® to partner with pageant contestants and their support people to provide complete pageant preparation, achieve winning results in life through pageantry, and to Succeed From The Inside Out®. She has over 30 years experience in the pageantry world as a contestant, judge, emcee, staff member, mother of daughters who compete, Mrs. Ohio America 2005, and has held multiple titles at the local, state and national levels.
Rhonda graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelors degree in Musical Theater from The Ohio State University and has performed on stage in 15 countries on the Asian, European and American continents. This mother of three home educate s their children and has been married 21 years to her husband Stephen, is the former mayor of her community, and serves on the Board of Trustees for the Ohio Virtual Academy. She and her husband perform original contemporary Christian music. Their music CD entitled Cana is available through  www.cdbaby.com/cd/shappert or on her website. For more information on Rhonda, visit  www.WinningThroughPageantry.com .

Before becoming a full-time pageant coach, I enjoyed my years as a pageant contestant. The decades have been filled with the overwhelming joy of hearing my name called out as the titleholder many times; but the disappointment and depression of being a runner-up even more.

Wait, did I say depression? Oh yes, I did.
Few people will talk openly and honestly about this. They feel it's poor sportsmanship or it may come across as sour grapes by the fact they didn't win the crown. But I want to reassure you that it happens frequently and is a normal reaction.

For months leading up to the pageant, a pageant contestant will rearrange her schedule, move priorities around and spend precious time and money preparing for the big event. It's natural to feel a bit depression when it's all over and you didn't come away with the crown. Personally, after Mrs. America, I ate nonstop for weeks following the pageant and didn't work out for months. After watching everything that went into my mouth and working my body to the point of exhaustion, I needed a HUGE break.

The disappointment or depression didn't last long with me because I had learned some strategies along the way that helped lessen the effects of this state of mind.

• Plan an event to do right after the pageant. This can be as big or as small as you want it to be; but it needs to be something that you enjoy and look forward to. Weeks before I left for nationals, I booked appearances for the very next week after nationals. I am so thankful that I did. It gave me something to look forward to when I got home and it reassured me that I was making a difference as Mrs. Ohio.

• Write down all the positive benefits you have received in preparing for the pageant. Start a positive thoughts journal when you begin your pageant preparation. Write down every discovery and positive thing that happens to you in the months leading up to the pageant. When you look back and see the tangible benefits you've experienced in preparing for the pageant, not receiving the crown THIS TIME AROUND doesn't seem as bad.

• Keep a mementos box of your appearances. As soon as you receive a title, whether it's a preliminary one leading up to the state or the state title, start making appearances ASAP. Take pictures, save the thank you cards you receive, and keep anything that reminds you of the fun and positive effects you are having with your title.

The reality of a pageant is that only one person will be selected to wear the crown for the year; but that doesn't mean there's only one winner. Give yourself permission to feel the disappointment and acknowledge your feelings. Then celebrate the advances you've made and reset your goal.

If you're not getting the results you want on your own, perhaps it's time to seek out a coach to help you get to where you want to be. I'd love to talk with you and help you create your winning plan. To schedule a 15 minute get acquainted call, email appointments@winningthroughpageantry.com.

Have every weekly article I write delivered directly to your email. Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. Just click the GET YOUR FREE REPORT button at the top of this page. Then fill out your name and email address in the boxes.

Whether it's graduation, a birthday, family reunion, or any other event that requires a great deal of planning, it's normal to feel a little depressed when the activity is over. Be sure to schedule something just for yourself like a massage a couple days after the big event. Perhaps have someone take the kids for the afternoon so you can have some quiet alone time. Whatever it is, make it relaxing and something that you really enjoy so you have something to look forward to.

Question: What should I be doing one month before the pageant?

Answer: Your focus should be on maintaining your positive mental attitude (stop following the other contestants on FB), wrapping up loose end, and getting as much rest as you can before your pageant. No major changes or decisions should be left to the last month. Your entire wardrobe should be purchased and in your possession by now. The decisions of how you're going to wear your hair and makeup for each category of competition should already be done, too. Start packing by laying out each of your complete outfits with everything that goes with it –shoes, jewelry, etc. Schedule all your tanning, hair, manicure and pedicure appointments. Keep up with your fitness routine, drink lots of water and get plenty of rest.

INTERVIEW CARD

The ability to answer questions about you, your purpose, current events, and controversial topics in a clear way is an important life skill that everyone can benefit from. The more you practice, the better you will get. These handy interview cards are a great way to practice with a partner or use by yourself to get you thinking about the topic.
The Beginning 10 Questions are the staple interview questions everyone must know the answers in an interview situation. Then each month you will receive a new card in the mail with fresh questions.

Now preparing for your interview is easy and for a limited time FREE.

Rhonda Shappert is an expert pageant coach and an iPEC trained personal development life coach. She created Winning Through Pageantry™, to partner with pageant contestants and their support people to provide complete pageant preparation and achieve winning results in life through pageantry. In the pageant world she has held multiple local, state and national titles. Rhonda graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelors degree in Musical Theater from The Ohio State University and has performed on stage in 15 countries on the Asian, European and American continents. This mother of three home educates their children and has been married 21 years to her husband Stephen, is the former mayor of her community, and serves on the Board of Trustees for the Ohio Virtual Academy. She and her husband perform original contemporary Christian music. Their music CD entitled Cana is available through www.cdbaby.com/cd/shappert or on her website . For more information on Rhonda, visit www.WinningThroughPageantry.com.

Three envelopes addressed to each of my three daughters arrived in the mail today.  The results from the audition had arrived.  Two are thick and one is thin. I handed the envelopes to each child in a very normal, matter of fact way, and waited…I put on my pageant coach’s hat and said these three words in my head…

VALIDATE, CELEBRATE and DETACH.

When my three daughters started competing in pageants, I needed to come up with a way to help them handle the emotional rollercoaster ride that awaited them.

It’s painful to handle my own personal disappointments in life; but, it’s excruciating when it happens to one of my kids.  You see, at least when the disappointment happens to me, I know the choice is mine as to what kind of feelings and how long I am going to entertain them in my mind. Oh, but as a mother, my first impulse is to rush right in there and protect my babies from any perceived harm either physical or emotional.  We assume that the person receiving the “thin” letter is going to be inconsolable and need comforting. Lesson one: Make no assumptions.

Thankfully, just because that was my first instinct doesn’t mean that’s how I reacted.  Learning to handle disappointment and keeping your eyes set on the big picture are necessary life skills that we all must master.

I’m very appreciative of my mom’s example. Whenever I received one of the “thin” letters growing up, she would always say “That’s OK. There’s always next time.”  It wasn’t the end of the world and life went on.  There was no wasted time dwelling on it. In her mind, it was just one pit stop on the long trip.

As a parent and pageant coach, my heart goes out to the young girls who are just beside themselves because they didn’t win the crown and can’t restrain their emotions. I also feel for the parents who are standing there looking at each other after the pageant thinking “What do we do now?” Or, in an attempt to make their child feel better, they join her in the emotional indulgence and what started out to be a snowball is now a raging avalanche. Time for an INTERVENTION :).

Having been in this situation many times as a contestant and a parent, I want to share my experience of what does NOT make someone feel better. For four years in a row, every pageant I competed in, I placed in the top five.  The hardest place was being 1st runner up two years in a row. In an attempt to make me feel better, after the pageant, people would come up to me with mournful looks on their faces and say comments like,

• “You should have won” (Really? Why didn’t I then?), or
• “You were the best. I don’t know what those judges were thinking”, or
• “You were so close. Maybe you should have changed your___”  (Yeah, just what I wanted to hear-  the woulda, coulda, shoulda line), or
• “Are you OK?” (Just bite your tongue if you even feel yourself starting to say this)

As a contestant, words like this simply make the situation worse. You may be asking, “OK, what do I do or say instead?” Deal with disappointment in these three supportive steps: validate, celebrate and detach.

Validate

Don’t make an assumption about the tears you see coming from the stage at the end of the pageant.  Some girls are crying because they have made a new friend and have to say goodbye. A few have had such a positive experience, that the tears are an outward expression of appreciation for having been part of the production. Others are excited for the new queen and the tears are in celebration. There are numerous reasons for tears.

Bring something to give your contestant on stage immediately following the pageant. Buy flowers, a small gift or even a card to hand her followed with a big hug and kiss. Tell her you are proud of her. At this point, the most important thing a contestant wants to feel is special and appreciated for who she is. Take pictures and make her feel like a queen :).

If you want to know where the tears are coming from,  drop the sad face act and ask this question:

“What are you feeling?” – not “ Are you OK?”

If they say, “I’m so relieved it is over and I’m tired.”

“Great! Let’s get you out of here and celebrate” would be your response.

If the answer is something along the lines of disappointment, validate their feelings by saying:

“I know how much you looked forward to this. It’s normal to feel disappointed.”  Then listen to her. That may be all she needs.

In many situations, disappointment can be minimized greatly with the proper preparation.Before pageant day, if you are a parent, you need to talk with your child. If you are a grown adult, it can take place with your pageant coach, your significant other or yourself. There needs to be clarity as to why you are entering the pageant. It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind if you don’t know what the picture looked like to start with. So here are some questions taken from my FREE special report to talk about.

• What are you hoping to gain from this experience?
• How will entering the pageant make you a better person?
• What does the word winning mean to you?
• What would you feel if you didn’t win the crown?
• What do you think would happen if you win the crown?

Now obviously, a toddler or very young child is not going to be able to answer these questions. In that case, these questions are for the parents to answer. Listen to the answers you receive very carefully.

Celebrate

Make a date to do something immediately after the pageant to celebrate regardless of what the results are.  Plan this together before the pageant so your contestant can look forward to it even if it is as simple as getting ice cream.  (Graeter’s Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip is my personal choice…Yum) If you have something enjoyable planned, it will keep the attention moving forward instead of being stuck in the past.

I also want to point out something here.   If the two of you have been enjoying and celebrating along the way by making the preparation period fun, you will have positive memories to share with each other.  Some of my fondest pageant memories are of the times preparing with my pageant coach Willa.  As a pageant coach myself, it’s important to me that the time with my clients is not only educational but FUN!

Detach

Reflect on the lessons learned and move forward. Don’t replay events over and over in your mind; or dwell in the land of woulda, coulda, shoulda.  Everything works together in the big plan. Let it go. Remember, our children will learn by our example so live the validate, celebrate and detach in your life, and you’re children will do the same :). 

Beyond The Pageant

Whether it’s trying out for a sports team, auditioning for a performance, or interviewing for a job, there are regular situations where we put ourselves in the position of hearing the word no.

But does “no” really have to end in feeling disappointed? When I look back at some of the firm no’s I received, those no’s actually turned out to be yes blessings in disguise. Of course, the acknowledgement of the blessing almost always came with time. Now, I recognize that good will come from the no. So I allow myself to feel the emotion briefly and then detach knowing that the yes is right around the corner.

In most cases the answer looked like a no; but it was actually a “Yes, but not now.”  I won the title of Mrs. Ohio America my 5th time in the pageant.  It was a timing issue, not a no.

A more drastic example from my life is when I auditioned for Up With People when I was 17. When I received my letter stating I was not accepted at that time, I could have taken that as a negative no and never applied again.

However, the next year, I reapplied and this time was accepted. Had I been accepted the first time around, this South Dakota farm girl would have never met the boy from Tennessee.  I would not have my husband of 20 years nor the three daughters that mean the world to me.

Sometimes no is only yes in a different package.

About Rhonda