It’s perfectly normal to feel blue when certain events and chapters of your life come to an end. Whether it is people coming into and moving out of your life, or events you have long prepared for come to an end, there is going to be a period of time when you feel let down and you ask yourself “what now?” This feeling is especially common at the end of a pageant and when a queen passes on her title to a new person.

The first thing you need to realize is that the feeling of loss is a natural part of the healing and growth process. Don’t try to skip it or devalue it. It’s important for you to take your time and fully go through it. Recognize the emptiness you are feeling and embrace it for a short time. Take the time to reflect on your memories so you feel like you have had closure. Look at photos, hold trinkets, and read old letters. Do whatever it is you are feeling led to do. Here are a couple questions to think about while you are in this reflective period of time:

 

• What was it about the experience that I enjoyed most?
• Whose life did I make a difference in the most?
• What did you like the least about this experience?
• How could you have made more of the situation?
• Where would I spend less of my time and energy on if I could do it again?
• Where would I spend more of my time?
• How can I take what I have learned and continue with it?

 

Using my own personal life as an example, when I felt the pageant “blues”, they usually lasted from one day to a week depending on the level of the pageant I was competing in and how long my preparation time was leading up to it. Certain situations that happened at the pageant would also affect the intensity of my feelings. Controversy and conflict always took more time for me to process than a well run system. That’s why I said up to a week. During this time, I was in complete low maintenance mode- no hair styling, no makeup, no high heels, no working out and I ate everything I wanted.

I just needed that “me” time to decompress and feel bad. Yes, you heard me right. I gave myself permission to feel bad; and if you need someone else’s permission, I give you my permission to feel bad, too. It’s alright to feel sad.

The key is not to stay stuck in the dark. Just like a beautiful garden flower must die in order to produce multiple seeds for new flowers, the beautiful moments of our life must also come to an end so that the “seeds” can be planted and new opportunities present themselves. You won’t know at the time which seeds will grow and which ones will remain dormant. Just believe that every seed serves its purpose and at its perfect time.

You must keep moving forward. Take time to reflect, and then take action. This week, we had to have our dog who was 16 ½ years old put to sleep. I lost my dad to cancer 6 months ago and my dog in the same way - with me holding on to both of them at the end. It has been a week of sadness and reflection; but now it is time to move on. In my life I have learned that the end is never the end. Instead, endings are gateways to new beginnings which are filled with hope, opportunities and promise. I’m sending my deepest blessings to you today and always.

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Rhonda Shappert is an expert pageant coach, an iPEC Certified Professional Coach, an Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner, and an Associate Certified Coach (ACC) with the International Coach Federation (ICF).

She created Winning Through Pageantry® to partner with pageant contestants and their support people to provide complete pageant preparation, achieve winning results in life through pageantry, and to Succeed From The Inside Out®.

She has over 30 years experience in the pageantry world as a contestant, judge, emcee, staff member, mother of daughters who compete, Mrs. Ohio America 2005, and has held multiple titles at the local, state and national levels.

Rhonda graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelors degree in Musical Theater from The Ohio State University and has performed on stage in 15 countries on the Asian, European and American continents. This mother of three home educates their children and has been married 22 years to her husband Stephen, is the former mayor of her community, and serves on the Board of Trustees for the Ohio Virtual Academy. She and her husband perform original contemporary Christian music.  For more information on Rhonda, visit  www.WinningThroughPageantry.com .

In my opinion, if you're going to participate in the pageant world, there are three very important facts that you must know upfront and accept, or you'll drive yourself and those around you crazy.

FACT 1: Everything in pageantry is subjective, or based on opinion. That means there isn't one universal winning dress, hairstyle, makeup or answer that is PERFECT. You'll drive yourself mad if you are expecting perfection. Instead, the overall queen is chosen from the average score of a panel of 5 or more judges' opinions.

Even within the judging panel, the opinions will vary greatly. Three judges love your dress while the other two hate it. Four will think you are well spoken and articulate while one thinks you're opinionated and over rehearsed. Sometimes it happens that the panel will be split on a decision if it is an even number of judges. This is normal. Seldom are the results of a pageant a unanimous decision.

FACT 2: Every judge, audience member, family member, hairstylist, makeup artist, photographer, wardrobe consultant, and pageant coach has an opinion.

FACT 3: The only definitive opinion that matters if YOURS. I don't mean for this statement to be interpreted as an arrogant attitude like "I'm right, and they're wrong." Rather, be open and teachable to the feedback you're receiving. Listen for reoccurring patterns. If the majority of the judges are saying something similar, you may want to take a serious look at what they're saying. However, bottom-line is it's your decision as to what action you'll take based on the opinions and advice you're receiving.

For a brief period of time, I struggled with the contradictory feedback I was receiving from the judges, my coaches, family and friends. I quickly came to the conclusion that ultimately it was ME up on the stage, not them; and that I had to feel totally confident with my hair, makeup, wardrobe and answer choices.
So, in my opinion :), this is what I did to sort through this situation.

• Be very selective from whom you are receiving feedback and advice. What is this person's area of expertise? How credible are they? Can I learn from this person?
• Take time to get to know your values, boundaries, likes and dislikes. You know the old saying, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything". If you're trying to follow everyone's advice and basing your actions on the opinions of other people, you may find yourself feeling frustrated and confused.
• Take personal ownership and responsibility for your actions and decisions. Absolutely seek out mentors and people who can help you become more than what you are at the moment, see other options and explore different opportunities. But, it's up to you to make a decision as to what course of action you'll take.

The whole idea of being selective from whom you receive mentorship is key to your success. No one is a self made success story. Successful people associate with other successful people and all have mentors. Whose opinion has been influencing you? Do you respect them? Are they living what they preach? Are they where I want to be? Spend some time this week evaluating the circle of influence in which you circulate. If you're not where you want to be, step out of your circle and find people who can inspire, support and cheer you on to whatever you dream or goal may be.

Question: I just received my pageant score sheets from the judges, and they seem to contradict each other. How am I to improve if one judge tells me one thing and another judge says the opposite?

Answer: Yes, this can be very frustrating. To answer your question, I'm going to use the supermarket analogy. When you go to the grocery store, most of the time you go with a list and purchase those items you need at that time. You don't buy everything in the store. If you need peanut butter, you have numerous choices as to which brand you'll buy. You make your choice based on taste, nutritional facts, cost and one that meets your needs. Think of advice and opinions in the same way. Take what applies to you at the time and leave the rest…for now :).